Resenting someone can be a taxing thing. Without addressing issues in the past, we are continuing to tax our present and future interactions. If you haven’t found the strength to tell your loved one how they have hurt you then maybe your complaint isn’t as justified as you believe it to be.
This negative toxicity needs to be removed as quickly as possible whether it is you notifying the person that you have resentment towards or you talking yourself out of resentment. There is no reason to give negative emotions harbored from the past the power to cause further negative consequences in the present and future.
Dig that resentment out. Cleanse the toxins. Have the subjectivity to observe the toxicity of resentment in yourself and the diplomacy to communicate it to another. Only then will the growing negative energy of the present become a dying memory from the past.
At the American Heart Association 1999 convention, Karen Allen, a research scientist at the State University of New York at Buffalo , reported on a study of 48 stockbrokers, half of whom were assigned a dog or a cat and half of whom had none. All of them were being treated for hypertension, and all had lived alone for more than five years. The pets had a dramatic positive cardiovascular effect over a six-month period.
Allen’s other research projects found that couples with pets are closer and interact more than couples without pets. In some cases, a pet may be more helpful at relieving stress than a spouse or close friend. (ABC News, 2008) (posted on ecopsych.com)
There are consistant jokes and comments that people make about marriage, wives and husbands. These comments stereotype all three of them. Too often people believe that their wife is supposed to be a “ball-and-chain” and there husband is supposed to be a lazy, sports watching beer drinker.
These comments can lead to people beleiving that is what a marriage is supposed to be. To often we are influenced into beleiving that “everyone has a frustrating marriage”, “a nagging wife”, “lazy husband” and “all couples fight”.
It is up to us and our significant others to insure that we have a happy, healthy relationship that nurtures our minds, bodies and souls. Don’t settle for a bad, “normal” or even good relationship. Be in a romance.
Did you know that couples that laugh together…
1) Live longer
2) Are in better shape
3) Are less stressed
4) Have healthier immune systems
5) Have less respiratory issues
6) Fight less and….
7) Have sex more often.
These are the top ten reasons for divorce listed by http://www.divorceguide.com:
2. Communication Breakdown
3. Physical, Psychological or Emotional Abuse
4. Financial Issues
5. Sexual Incompatibility
7. Religious and Cultural Strains
8. Child Rearing
10. Differences in Priorities and Expectations
FYI… The Lighthouse may be able to help you with all of these.
When couples begin to yell, defenses go up, people aren’t hearing one another and constructive conversation stops. Couples that yell do not feel close to one another.
Think about a close couple, a couple so in tune with each other that they don’t have to talk. Sometimes even a look communicates what one is thinking to the other.
When you yell, you are no longer loving your significant other, you are hurting them. You feel so far away from them that you have to yell to be heard. Be sure to speak respectfully to the one you love. It brings you closer together rather than forcing you apart.
“The long-term consequences of parental discord affect children pervasively and consistently in a detrimental fashion, according to the data provided by researchers Paul Amato and Alan Booth.
They found that children from families with a high degree of discord before and after their divorces tended to have more difficulties in dating — and less happiness, less interaction, and more conflict in marriage. Not surprisingly, the probability of divorce is higher among children whose parents experienced a high degree of disharmony in marriage and subsequently.” (From Ask.com; “Minimize the Long-Term Negative Effects of Marital Discord on Children”; by Charles D. Jamieson)
Today we celebrate love and being in love. Some of us have forgotton why we fell in love with our significant others. It is easy to get caught up in past arguments and harbored resentments to the point that we forget, or easily overlook, why it is we fell in love with them.
Try this reconnection exercise. Take some time and make a list about the reasons you fell in love with your spouse/significant other. It can be kept to yourself, but ideally both of you should participate and read them to each other.
This exercise helps us remember and re-affirm the reasons we fell in love and reminds us that we are together for good reasons, rather than the less romantic loyalty or committment.
Someone once said that a good relationship is 50/50, with both sides having an equal amount of give and take. However, I barely agree. I do feel that there are times when it will be 50-50, but the random variables of life will always create times and situations where it needs to be more like 60-40 or even 90-10.
As couples, there will be times when one of us is lacking strength and needs more support from the other, and vise-versa. It is imperative as teammates in a realtionship, or family, that we do whatever we can to help each other through unpredictable times of need.
Finally, it is my beleif that we should always be aiming to give at least 60% to our partners for a couple of reasons. First, it is not what one gets out of a relationshiop that determines its value, but what you put into it and the sacrafices we make. Additionally, during the times when one or both individuals are unable to give their entire 60%, there is still some slack available for both partners to meet in the middle. Damien Dodd
On a recent family vacation without my fiancé, I realized that time apart has real relationship strengthening potential.
While away, I found myself missing my fiancé, but more than that, I noticed a strong appreciation for him, his characteristics and qualities. When you are with someone everyone day, those qualities often go unnoticed. Spend a few days apart and you start realizing, “I really miss this about him…I really like and appreciate that quality in him.”
One of the qualities I most appreciate about my fiancé is his ability to calm me down in times of stress or emotional suffering. Being away from him, during those moments, gave me the opportunity to discover the grounding abilities I possessed within myself. I learned I do not always need to turn to him during tense moments, I have the skills (walking away, deep breathing, meditating and chanting) to calm myself down.
Realizing I could self-soothe in times of stress, while simultaneously missing and appreciating qualities of my fiancé’s, reinforced for me, that he and I are strong individuals that have together created a healthy foundation to build a wonderful future on.
If you are ever given the assignment to go on a “walk-about;” do it! Great discoveries take place when you remove yourself from those you love, face a chunk of time on your own and have the opportunity to observe your thoughts, emotions and actions.